London College Hospital, London UK, 3:15pm 24/09/2015
Words: Gary Baldy
New clinical study reveals shocking link between a debilitating, ongoing mental condition in adults and cannabis use as university age, young adults.
The results of a new drug use survey carried out by the Government’s chief authority on cannabis use and mental illness has conclusively proved that cannabis use can lead to crippling over-achievement.
The study, carried out by the same husband and wife team who established a causal link between cannabis use and mental illness when all other researchers found cannabis had a protective effect, and whose work the UK government have cited for their repeated refusal to decriminalize the drug, have now conclusively shown there to be a link between pot and extreme levels of success.
Bolt; “too many gold medals and records for his own good and a bit of a show-off”
At a press conference announcing the results of the “extensive study” the team leader, Dr. Jonathan Faquesit, explained:
“For the last two decades we have been given a grant by the government to independently investigate if there was any link between marijuana and mental illness.”
“We used the latest scientific methodology: we asked people if they had a mental illness and if they had used marijuana, if they answered yes to both question we logically concluded that the weed caused the mental illness”
“For decades we provided the government with this conclusive evidence, but, recently we were asked by the marketing department of an American marijuana business to discover is there was any link between their product and good stuff happening to the users and by the time the cheque cleared we had found one.”
“I am pleased to announce that my dedicated team were able to conclusively prove that Marijuana is now mainly linked to being a proper smug git of inordinate success.”
Michael Phelps “guilty of unmatchable success and a fair hint of smugness”
The good Doctors wife and co-author of the paper, the eminent psychologist Dr Jean Faquesit-Phormoni, explained still further how the team reached their conclusion and hinted at the wider implications for society:
“Following an extensive two day search on google looking at ‘famous people who smoked pot’ we found a direct link between people who have used marijuana in college and later unrivalled success when measured against the median level of achievement within their peer group. We found that in all walks of life smoking reefer results in an insatiable hunger for both breakfast foods and personal achievement. Every field is topped by cannabis consumers.”
“Typical pot smoking overachievers” Nobel prize winners and Presidents.
She was challenged on this point by a Daily Mail reporter, Ray Sissem, who questioned the validity of her claims.
“Steve Jobs of Apple fame; Sir Richard Branson of Virgin, Francis Crick who shares credit for discovering DNA, Nobel Prize winners and Presidents of the United States Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama. President Bush and presidential candidate Bush both of whom, lets not forget, are, as a pair, just about as dumb as humans get whilst still being allowed to drive a car, but, still they wanted to occupy the most powerful position on the planet and one even took it!”
“Look here in Britain; Prime-ministers Tony Blair and David Cameron both admitted university experimentation with the plant and despite very little in the way of good character, intelligence or common sense both went on to lead Britian for two decades between them and of course we mustn’t forget the most successful Olympic athletes of all time Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps.”
“Each and every one of these driven individuals has used marijuana at some point and early indications are the more regular the usage, the more successful the user is.”
“Look,” interjected Dr Faquesit,“Phelps, Bolt and Branson are all self confessed occasional to regular users and all are unquestionably very high achievers. Whereas Blair, Bush and David Cameron all stopped smoking pot and now judge for yourself by assessing Cameron’s performance whilst holding the top job: he’s as much use to the people as a mouldy turnip!”
“And that’s still an improvement on Blair and Bush” joked an unnamed research fellow
Blair and Sir Branson, sharing more than a vibe?
What did a joint do to poor Prince Harry’s ambition, King maybe?
The remarkable Sir Richard Branson and a mouldy Turnip
“Each and every one of these users appeared to have perfectly normal ambitions in their teens and yet after experimenting with marijuana each and every one felt the overwhelming drive and desire to do much more than a normal person would.”
“Dude, could we be, like, any richer?”
“It’s quite clear there is a definite and scientifically provable link, that’s not even remotely coincidental, between this casual marijuana use and a failure to be satisfied with attaining the levels of success even a highly ambitious person could retire in satisfaction having achieved. We found this to be universal, from Snoop Dog to Bill Gates, it’s an unimpeachable fact that Marijuana use was and is the ONLY common factor we can find between all these different high achievers. Ergo, ipso facto, ad hoc, post facto ham hock, it was the weed what made them a success.”
When the team was again challenged, this time by Walter Melon of the channel 4 news team, over the legitimacy of the results, Mr Melon even going so far as to state that he believed the conclusion “was fallacious and unscientific” because it “failed to account for people who were successful but weren’t marijuana users, nor account for people who smoked marijuana but weren’t successful.” Mrs. Faquesit-Phormoni retorted somewhat defensively:
“Nobody ever complained about our scientific method when we were saying cannabis was bad!”
The Minister for health, Jeremy Hunt MP, rumoured to want Mr Cameron’s job as leader before the next election. was sadly unavailable for comment at the time we went to press, but, his office stated he would be “available for interview” later this afternoon after he’d “ripped a fat bong and smoked a fatty”.