I am an atheist.
This means I do not believe there is a God. I am, however, a spiritual person. I believe in a power greater than myself, I believe in Karma of sorts and although I have listed myself as an atheist my “faith” does have a name. It has prophets and saints, Father and Son, stories and parables, an old new-testament and a new old-testament, and an even newer new-testament that the powers have yet to deliver unto us.
I am quite certain my messiah already walks amongst us, incarnate. If not he’s most definitely a prophet and imbued with powerful force beyond my comprehension.
Usually I keep this all to myself for fear of ridicule and mockery, but, of late people have been calling for respect amongst all faiths, to tolerate and capitulate to the wishes of all religious sects and so, in this spirit I have decided to stand up for my faith and all other faiths to demand equal respect.
I stand here for the Catholics and demand that “Dogma” should be pulled from sale. All copies should be burnt and Alanis Morrisette et al. must stand trial.
I stand here for the Christians of all denominations (including the snake handlers) to decry the awful Monty Python. Too long they have escaped justice; these terrorists should be stoned for their Blasphemy. All copies of the film “Life of Brian” must be burnt and I simply don’t care how nice Michael Palin seems, he’s a heretic, stone him like he said “Jehova!”.
I stand here for the Jehova’s witnesses; Cease slamming doors in their face or pretending you’re not in. It’s disrespectful.
I stand here for the Church of Jesus Christ of the latter day saints. Stop mocking the Mormons
Joseph Smith gave us The Osmonds for crying out loud and the doorkeeper is judging you.
I stand here with Saint John and Saint Tom. They who endure such torturous ridicule yet still follow with such fervour. Must they be forced to lead their followers in violent crusade before we finally give scientology the respect we give the Abrahamic faiths?
Jahweh, Ganesh, Dokkaebi, Sosamshin, Shiva, Buddah, Hubal, Zeus, Apollo, L.Ron Hubbard!
The followers of all faiths need to be recognised and respected. Gods shouldn’t be portrayed, represented nor disrespected by members of another faith and the law should accommodate all our different beliefs and tenets. To do otherwise is nothing short of racism and bigotry.
This all brings us neatly to my religion and no, I’m not about to claim I’m a Rastafarian or a member of the cannabis church that would be silly.
I am a Jedi.
A true follower of the prophet Yoda, student of the Teachings of Obi-Wan, devotee of He of the quiff to whom the prophet handed the holy scripts so that he may bring the truth unto us.
(A truth that came in widescreen and with a stereophonic soundtrack, not just on some crappy parchment like the other faiths, BTW!)
As a Jedi I have rejected the dark side of hate and of anger, embraced the proper side of the force and lived according to the lessons found in the parable of Han the lonely one:
He who doesn’t help himself does not get stuff for free.
He who dumps his cargo at the first sign of the police will find there are greater vexations than getting caught.
Always check thy vehicle works as is divined; One cannot know when one might need to flee the authorities.
He who mounts a Princess is set for life. Amen.
I was once passive like the legions of my Brethren, avoiding the mass prayer meetings and vigils at comic cons and Sci-Fi expositions, but, I think the time has come to stand up and be counted, I think it’s time for militancy, time we were respected.
Henceforth we, The Church of Lucasfilm and The Jedi Knights, have the following demands and the world has until the third day on the fifth month of this year to comply or suffer our wrath:
Non-Jedi’s must not wear the Holy masks of Star Wars; From this day forth no child may dress as a Stormtrooper for a party unless sworn into the faith and a follower of the Jedi teachings.
All impressions of Lord Vader must cease immediately, it’s offensive and frankly terrifying. You are not Luke’s father and to claim to be is blasphemous.
The people of Liverpool must immediately stop insulting each other by calling each other “Jedi”.
Their so-called Gods John Bishop and Robbie Fowler must be offered in sacrifice as recompense for the cities crimes.
Scousers: Do you have a pit to throw them into? The sort where they can suffer the horror of being digested for eternity in the stomach acids of a many-tentacled beast?
If not, throw them in the Mersey with the jellyfish. It’s more or less the same.
All three Holy films will be shown at Christmas in every country, without adverts, just after everyone has had their Christmas dinner and is a bit tipsy as we find this is when we get the most converts.
The heretic films, known as episodes 1-3, must never be shown.
All copies should be burnt along with “Dogma”, “Brian” and “Charlie Hebdo”.
Holy relics must be returned.
No more “original 1977 Stormtrooper helmet, great condition. NO RESERVE!!!” appearing on Ebay thank you very much. We want all relics back for the holy church.
Representations and likenesses of the figures from our religion and all associated logos and branding must not be made by anyone of any age in any medium, unless:
i) They are a fee paying member of the faith;
ii) They are officially licensed to do so by Lucasfilm and manufactured in Jedi approved establishments in full accordance with Jedi (Anakinsian) Law.
Finally, Derren Brown must come forward and admit he is Luke Skywalker, reborn and walking amongst us, using his Jedi mind tricks on the weak willed.
Or, at the least admit he’s a prophet.
On the fourth day of the fifth month of this year, and if our perfectly reasonable demands go unheeded, we will rally for our cause, standing up to show the oppressors what force really means.
Gather we will. In peace and love, not anger and hate.
For that is how our small green Prophet said we should behave.
We will congregate armed only with our Jedi mind powers and home-made light sabres to march forward like an AT-AT and fight like Ewoks to demand the same equality, protections and freedoms other faiths enjoy.
Change your Facebook religion to Jedi if you will stand with me against ridicule and hate.
Write Jedi if you will gather in the streets with the millions of other peaceful Jedi warriors.
Write Jedi to let them know that they can attack us but we will not break we will fight in a peaceful and loving way.
Write Jedi to warn them: We are Jedi; strike us down and we will become more powerful than they could possibly have imagined.
Write Jedi if you will be there, with our brothers and sisters, united as one, and I will, on May the Forth, be with you.